I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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