Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
