the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
