as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
