drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
