bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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