I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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