How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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