so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
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i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
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You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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