my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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