you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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