sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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