My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
