ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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