it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
