If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
