I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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