My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
