Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Text me some of your sweat
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
