Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I can feel your judgement through the phone
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
