He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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