I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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