Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
