Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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