How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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