I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
