Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
