Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
