so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
