I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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