People in love make me want to vomit
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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