Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
