I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
