My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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