This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
