I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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