My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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