Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
