last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
