you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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