I wish my penis had an off switch
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
