Kiss
Puke
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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