Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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