So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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