I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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