I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
