it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
