She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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