The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
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