I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
