I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
