Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
they need to just BURY HIM!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
