my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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