i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
