Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
