The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
false alarm, still single
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