I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
