you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
