You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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