I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
